Tony and his pirate ship
by Anthony E. Stark
Summary: A one-shot from my other story 'Random facts about the Avengers' in which Tony decides that he will live out his dream of becoming a pirate - with the help of his kidnapped team mates. (Oh and Loki summons a kraken.) Rated K because too many of my stories are rated T.


**Tony and his pirate ship.**

**A/N: This is also part of my story _Random facts about the Avengers_ but I think it's long enough to be a one-shot. You don't have to have read the other story but it's as random as this..**

******Random disclaimer: In fear of being skinned alive by the boss people here, I would like to remind you all that these amazing characters are not mine even though I would love them all (especially Loki) so, there, I said it. Don't kill me. I have an army.**

In the crow's nest of his new pirate ship, Tony Stark swung his feet over the edge of the wooden slats while gazing out to the horizon. After watching Pirates of the Caribbean he desperately wanted to try becoming a sailor - well, he was already a billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropist, superhero etc. - so he decided to buy an authentic ship. Having almost unlimited money had its perks considering that it allowed him to buy the original Black Pearl used in the movies. He was very glad with his expensive purchase for once - normally he had about 401 problems with something and ended up ranting to whoever cared until he just gave up to remake the item himself, the main reason he builds his own cars or improves them until they're unique. But this ship, _his_ ship, allowed him to have freedom and power like his Iron Man suit but without the authorities trying to take it away from him.

The silence was absolute bliss for the man who spent most of his time living in the city and fighting off robots, aliens and fellow Avengers.

He wasn't alone though, even Tony couldn't sail a proper pirate ship himself, so he had kidnapped some of the greatest heroes in the world to go with him. Last night, the billionaire had slipped a couple of sleeping pills into the Avenger's (and Loki's) drinks and flew them to the ship while they were sleeping deeply, leaving a little note for Fury that read, "We're on holiday. Defend the world yourself while we're gone." So far it was definitely worth it. Why hadn't he thought of this before?

Tony straightened his captain's hat - he had to get one even if he wasn't bothering to dress in full pirate gear, a black tricorne - just as the silence was broken by Clint. His crew was finally awake...

~x~

Clint awoke to the gentle swaying of the sea and the faint crashing of waves. He muttered something incoherent in his half-asleep state while shuffling around in his hammock, the lack of a blanket irritating him. It took a few minutes for him realise that he wasn't at home - last time he checked, he didn't live at sea.

A large thud made him sit up and look around where he was. Seven hammocks were situated around the reasonably large room, five had the other Avengers in them - Tony wasn't present and Thor had fallen out of his, hence the thud. Opposite where the archer sat, a small round window showed waves crashing against the side of whatever ship they were on.

"What the hell happened?" Bruce muttered, brushing hair out of his eyes while trying to not fall out of his hammock as well.

"The future king of Asgard has been kidnapped! Alert the authorities!" Thor looked around at the other Avengers like any of them knew what happened.

"Shut up, you inconsiderate oaf, before I shut you up myself and you won't like my methods," grumbled Loki as he sat up and took in where they all were, "Are we on a pirate ship? Cool."

"Brother, you are unharmed!"

Natasha had the quietest reaction, she just walked out the room muttering, "I'm gonna get my own room."

"Looks like another one of Tony's stupid ideas," Steve dead panned as he climbed out of the hammock he was in.

"Yeah, notice how Tony's the only one not here. And hasn't he thought of how the _Other Guy_ would feel about this?"

Clint looked around at everybody in surprise as they sat there in silence, letting the reality sink in, before he yelled out to the billionaire who he guessed would be nearby. "I'M GONNA KILL THAT _GENIUS_!"

~x~

All of the Avengers stood in silence around the mast as Tony climbed down to the deck, glaring at the billionaire's back getting slowly nearer to them. When Stark was finally standing before them, the silence was broken by Clint's irritated yelling.

"Stark... WHY ARE WE ON A FREAKING PIRATE SHIP?!"

"I can ex-"

"NO. You kidnapped us and expected us to play along with your stupid pirate fantasy, I want to go home."

"You can't go home. Consider this a team building exercise."

"I hate you Tony." The others just stood in silent agreement with Barton as he argued with the billionaire; Loki actually looked pretty amused.

"_Captain_ Tony."

"May I interrupt?" Thor's question stopped the two Avengers quarrelling like little kids as the attention was turned to him instead, "What_ is_ a pirate?"

"A pirate is a person who commits warlike acts at sea without the authorization of any nation." _(Thank you Wiki)_

"How the hell did Loki know that when Thor didn't?" Clint looked at the two gods in shock, still slightly irritated that they were at sea and not chilling in the Avengers Tower.

"I watched that pirate movie with Stark. You know, that one everyone else said was too childish to watch?"

"Guys, sorry to break your arguments but if were going to be at sea for a while - which I'm guessing we are - then I'm off to catch some rays. Not every day an agent gets a holiday." Natasha sauntered off to the higher part of the deck, her words making Tony grin in achievement.

"You heard the woman! Go off and relax you scurvy bilge rats. Captain's orders."

"Man of iron, why isn't Mjonir here?"

"Well I can't lift it and that reminds me, _no_ powers to be used!" Stark finished that statement with a glare to Loki, who looked murderous at being told to use no magic.

Steve looked tired with all the madness that had happened so far that day so he dragged Barton off by the elbow, grumbling that they would make breakfast together - trying to stop any more arguments arising. Not wanting to stand around awkwardly Thor and Bruce went off to search the rest of the ship, the scientist telling the god more about pirates as they went. The trickster god seemed the least bothered about waking up in the middle of the sea so he sat down on a nearby barrel and started to read, a book magically appearing in his hand.

"Hey! No magic."

"Shouldn't you be off doing something useful, _Captain_?"

~x~

The super soldier was glad to find that the kitchen was fully stocked with enough food to last the team until Tony gave up on his pirate fantasy - the billionaire would get bored pretty quickly with the lack of electricity. He would have been happy preparing the food if it wasn't for Clint constantly spilling everything and blaming it on the ship's _"ghost"._ After the archer had tipped over his bowl of flour for the fourth time, Steve ordered him to leave and not return until breakfast was ready; he was unsure if Barton did it on purpose or if he really was that bad at cooking.

In order to stop himself from being bored, Clint decided to make the most of the ship's rigging by climbing around like a spider or a circus act. He swung around in circles above the deck a few times while laughing at how free he felt with no work to do or Fury giving him orders - not noticing how Loki looked up annoyed at the archer's giggling interrupting his reading. Stopping to catch his breath and admire the view, he felt something slithering around his leg like a snake and looked down to see a nearby rope tying itself around his foot as if it had a mind of its own. Clint started yelling for help as more and more ropes crawled around him until he was hanging upside down, but quickly shut up when he heard the trickster laughing up at him.

"LOKI! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, JUST YOU WAIT YOU IMMORTAL BASTARD!"

Tony looked up at where the shouting was coming from to see Barton hanging from the rigging like a doll; he had to stop himself from laughing at the red-faced archer to tell off the god in hysterics on the deck. "Rudolf! No magic!"

"I do what I want."

"Let Clint down."

"YEAH LET ME DOWN YOU-"

"Shut up Barton, nobody cares."

"You shut up too, Loki, and let him down."

"Aye aye Captain..." The ropes untangled from around Clint until he fell ungracefully in a heap in-between Tony and Loki. He was about to shout at the god when Steve announced that breakfast was ready and he ran to the kitchen at the speed of light.

The billionaire and the Aesir wandered over to the scent of food at a casual pace but regretted their laziness quickly when they saw that _all_ the food on the ship had been eaten by the thunder-god and Clint. They had eaten everything in a matter of minutes! That food was meant to last the entire team for a week - Tony wasn't planning to keep them at sea forever against their wills. The two latecomers shuffled back out to the deck, grumbling at Natasha who was eating a sandwich with a smug smirk, and sat in the middle of the empty wooden floor.

"Stark, I'm hungry and bored."

"Me too Lokes."

"Find me entertainment or I may consider mutiny."

"You wouldn't dare, would you?"

"I will if I continue to be bored."

"Fine, erm... Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me." Loki raised an eyebrow at the billionaire who started singing - well, trying to sing - at the top of his voice, and it didn't look like he was going to stop any time soon.

~x~

Because Thor had eaten all the food aboard the ship and Tony's constant singing was annoying Bruce, he took the billionaire fishing in a dingy. The trickster god, archer and soldier watched in amusement as Banner rowed the little boat away, while Stark yelled, "Help, I'm being kidnapped by a mad scientist! Avenge me!"

It took Bruce a while to row out far because, with just one paddle, they ended up going round in circles. Tony found this amusing but it did get a bit annoying after the fifth time of bashing into the side of the ship...

Once the pair were a suitable distance away from the ship, they got out fishing rods and assorted bait so they could start catching their dinner. About ten minutes passed and absolutely nothing had happened, Bruce was glad at how calming the sea was because it reduced the chance of the _Other Guy_ appearing but he must admit that he was starting to get bored. Tony, however, was bored within thirty seconds of starting to fish and had spent the last few minutes waving over at his three friends on the ship - he didn't want to interrupt Bruce's focus incase it resulted with him getting no food tonight. His patience didn't last for long though.

"Bruuuuuce?"

"Yes Tony?" The scientist sighed, half annoyed that the silence didn't last for long and half glad that the silence was broken.

"_Captain_ Tony," Bruce rolled his eyes at how the billionaire insisted to be called the captain all the time. "What if I catch a shark?"

"I doubt you will..."

"But what if I do?"

"Then throw it back!"

The air fell quiet again, until Stark whined to the scientist again, "Would the Hulk eat a shark?"

"Tony! If you keep talking then we won't catch anything!"

"Oh, so _you're_ the captain now?" The billionaire asked accusingly, challenging Bruce to defy him, "Well I won't stay silent. I do what I want."

"That's Loki's lin-"

"Not important! I'm captain and that's that."

Before Banner could reply, a larger-than-normal wave hit the dingy - causing it to fill up with water like a floating paddling pool. Tony screamed like a little girl, feeling his hair in search of his hat, "My hat! Where's my hat?"

"Tidal wave! We're sinking!"

"Never mind that, get my hat!" Stark's pirate hat was bobbing away nearby, just out of reach, and Bruce could tell that the last command was a _"Captain's order"_ without even having to ask. He looked over to the billionaire to see him genuinely worried about losing his hat and even though Banner didn't want to go and get it, his clothes were already soaked through and he didn't want to be responsible for the loss of Tony's hat, so he jumped into the freezing sea to retrieve the tricorne.

He retrieved it easily before it floated away too far and began to swim back to the dingy as Tony stood up, attempting to get the water out of the little boat. Just as Bruce was about to hand back the hat, a wave knocked Stark off-balance and he fell in with a lot of yelling followed by a giant splash. The scientist laughed as he climbed back into the little boat, managing to get rid of most of the water, and watched Tony attempting to make his way back towards the dingy. The billionaire failed epically at getting back into the boat, his jeans were weighed down with excess water, and took a good ten minutes trying before Bruce finally tugged him ungracefully in the dingy - Loki and Clint's laughter could be heard even from this far away from the ship.

Not having caught anything but wanting to dry off, the pair rowed back to the black ship in an awkward silence. They dragged the dingy and fishing equipment up to the deck with them to find all the Avengers had assembled to watch their failure at getting food, staring at them in silence. After glancing at each other, the billionaire and the scientist started laughing uncontrollably - the situation was too funny to stay silent at.

Tony and Bruce's laughter was cut short by a gigantic thump, as if something large had hit the bottom of the ship.

"What was that?" Steve warily asked to the others - all of which were stood around the deck like statues, apart from Loki who was looking over the opposite edge of the ship so that nobody could see his expression.

"A kraken," the trickster god replied casually as he turned around so that everyone else could see the smirk spreading across his face.

"A kraken? Like the one in the movie?" Tony looked as if he didn't believe Loki at all.

"Yeah. I was bored so I summoned a kraken..."

"YOU SUMMONED A FREAKING SEA MONSTER?!" Bruce looked a little green while he yelled at the god; Loki didn't seemed at all concerned at the enraged man in front of him, instead he busied himself with gathering cannon balls. Natasha was currently informing the thunder-god what a kraken is, he said it sounds like a creäture from Asgard so he wasn't really that scared, before they both ran off to set up the cannons below the deck. Stark and Clint looked like excited little kids while they helped the trickster setting up the cannons around the sides of the deck.

Another large thump sounded from below the ship and Steve ran over to the starboard side of the deck to see a large purple-grey tentacle rising from the murky depths. It was twice the height of the mast and towered above the five men on the deck, who stared up in shock mixed with awe at the display.

"What do we do Stark? You're the captain!" Natasha could be heard shouting from below the deck above the sound of angry waves crashing into the dark wood of the ship. Before Tony could reply though, another three tentacles rose around the ship, completely surrounding the Earth's mightiest heroes. The ship slowly started to rock more fiercely than any storm could make it and a low moaning could be heard from the monster in the ocean; even Loki looked terrified even though it was_ him_ who summoned the creäture. The billionaire seemed to be stuck to his spot on the deck as the swaying started to make a few barrels roll around, one narrowly missing him.

He snapped out of his trance when Steve grabbed his arm for stability, shouting in his ear. "Stark!"

"Oh, erm, FIRE!"

The loud blasts of cannons firing filled the air, Tony ran to the opposite side of the deck to fire at the tentacles towering over from the left. The constant cannon fire didn't seem to do any good though as one of the tentacles crashed down onto the deck - the wood shattered like glass and everyone stared at the other Avengers, unsure of what to do. Natasha and Thor ran out from below the decks as another tentacle smacked into the side of the ship, causing water to start filling up the lower decks at an alarming rate.

"Why did I let you watch the film with the kraken in it?" Tony shouted to Loki over the commotion of the others running around like it would stop the monster from destroying their ship. The trickster god laughed at the chaos - well he is the god of chaos so of course he'd like it - while he watched the ship slowly started to sink, the creature's tentacles were pulling apart the wood easily.

"THIS IS THE END!" The thunder-god yelled over the sound of crashing waves and breaking planks as the ship sunk into the ocean with nothing the Avengers could do about it.

~x~

The Earth's (and Asgard's) mightiest heroes were floating in the middle of the sea, with no land in sight, clinging to broken planks so that they could stay afloat while they waited for S.H.I.E.L.D. to rescue them. Loki had directed the kraken away once it had finished wrecking their ship and sent an SOS to Director Fury, with an amused grin across his smug face. After all that commotion, Stark still managed to keep his hat on.

"I hate you Tony." Steve grumbled, grabbing onto a barrel with Thor - who was complaining that his hair was wet.

"_Captain_ Tony."


End file.
